Shut up and Listen

I have been reading some amazing books lately written by some just outright amazing women.  Women  who inspire me, challenge me, and encourage me.  They have all been thought provoking, but there is one that stands out to me right now.  It is a book entitled "Speak: How Your Story Can Change the World" by Nish Weiseth.

The premise is that sharing your story, even if it is a story of struggle, can be a powerful way to form meaningful relationship.  I encourage you to read it.  It is honest, and real, and sometimes gritty, and yet powerfully truthful.  It has challenged me to be straight up honest and truthful about my whole life, the messiness of it all, the goodness of it all, the painful, and the glorious.

But while the book has encouraged me to be bolder in telling my own story, in living my own life, that's not the most important lesson it taught me.  This book taught me the importance of silence.  It enforced the idea of shutting up and listening to others around me.  To really shut my pie hole (as the teenagers around me would say), and just listen.  Listen without judgement.  Listen without breaking in to give advice.  Listen without trying to fix the problem or find an easy solution.  To shut up!

And guess what?  This summer I have heard the most extraordinary, heartbreaking, amazing, and truthful stories from those around me.  Stories that I would have never known if I hadn't kept my mouth shut and just listened.  Stories that people often don't share.  I have cried with a fellow mom when she shared with me the problems she is having with her child, whom she had to send away, in order for that child to get the help that they needed.  Her story is full of guilt, pain, suffering, doubt, and feelings of failure and shame.  It is a story full of feeling rejected and judged as a mother, fear for her family and the impact of these decisions, hurt, and yes, even anger.  And yet, as this story has been unfolding in her life, I was going along, blissfully unaware of the trauma going on in that family.  All because I hadn't been bothered to sit down and make time to listen to her story.

I have listened as a young teenage girl has shared her story of  struggle with feeling love and acceptance from others, including family members, and including me.  Ouch!  Let me tell you, that was a painful thing to hear and understand.  And I would have gone on, unaware of this, if I hadn't taken the time to sit down and really listen to her story-- without prejudging what she was saying.  I had to sit down and be willing to listen without being defensive, setting aside my inclination to tear holes in  (what I perceive to be) inaccuracies in her story.  You see, to truly listen to her story I had to shed my perceptions and listen instead to how she perceived things, right or wrong.

There are too many stories to list in one blog.  But let me tell you this:  I have learned more from being silent and just listening, than I ever have from voicing my opinion and my action plan to solve the problem.

I will in all honesty tell you this is a hard thing to do, this listening thing.  You will want to judge.  You will want to solve the problem.  You will want to not even hear the whole story because sometimes it is just too painful. You will want to share your own version of this story.  You will want to defend your actions. You will want to point out all the ways in which this person is wrong.  You will want to interrupt.  You will, at times want to do anything but listen. I'm telling to listen anyway.  Shut your pie hole.  Put your hand over your mouth. Button your lip.  Zip your lips. Bite your tongue.

And listen with the intent of making a truthful connection.  Listen with the intent of gaining understanding.  Listen when it's hard.  Listen when it's easy.  Listen.

I promise you that you will not walk away the same person.  There will be a change.  You will often feel more compassion.  You will gain understanding.  You will gain connection.

And then, and only then, if it's appropriate, you may speak.  But make sure you are speaking with understanding.  Make sure you are speaking with compassion.

One of my favorite sounds in all the world is the sound of whales when they expel air while coming up to the surface of the water to take a breath.  Especially when the water is quiet and that is all you hear, their loud, long exhale.  I'll leave you with a photo of such an experience with a Humpback whale in Alaska.