Let me give you a little background. I grew up trying to avoid the word no. I avoided saying it. Being a child of a pastor meant , right or wrong, that you didn't say no when something in the church needed to be done. Instead, you said yes, and you did it. And, you tried to avoid at all costs, any situation where the word no was involved. For example, you tried to avoid doing anything that people would say was wrong. The problem with that is the word people-- you see, you get a group of people gathered together and their version of what they said no to varied greatly. In this same group of people one would say that wearing makeup was wrong but dancing was fine. In that same group, one would say makeup was fine but dancing was wrong. You see, no one could have a perfect track record with all of that going on and I "failed" on many occasions. And, unfortunately I was (and still am) what some would call a questioner. I struggled greatly with the idea of just believing something was wrong just because someone said so. So, while I tried to do the right thing and avoid the big NO, parts of me rebelled against it.
But, even though I questioned things, I carried the "yes not no" mentality with me into adulthood. If something needed to be done, I was the "go to" person. At one point I was working, being a mom, leading the church worship team, leading the church children's program, leading the PTA at my sons school, co-leading a church small group, I was on the Women's Ministry board, being a wife, being a friend, and trying to keep the house clean, dinner on table, arranging playmates for my son, attending all my sons sporting/school events, etc... Hmmmm.... do some of you recognize this situation? You know what my prevailing memories are of that time? I remember being tired.
However, I do remember when I came to the decision that this wasn't working for me. The event was small, seemingly insignificant. It happened when I was looking through some photos of a school event I had attended with my son. I know I was there, I took the pictures. But, I didn't remember the event. I looked at the photos of my son and could see how much fun he was having. I could see the joy in his face at having me there. But, you know what I remembered? I remembered that I had over scheduled myself that day and I was trying to figure out a way to leave early so I could go take care of something else. However, it is telling that I don't remember what that very important "something else" was. Huh.
I decided that a change was in order. I didn't want to go through life rushing around and not appreciating the moment. I made up my mind right then that I would live my life with purpose. In order to do so, I needed to decide what had priority in my life (just like all the experts said...Hmmmm... maybe that's why they are experts?). And I needed to be clear that these were my priorities, not someone else's. After all, I was the one living my life. After spelling out my priorities, I decided that my yes and no responses were going to be driven by my priorities. Not what someone else deemed to be important. It was a big shift for me. It was a big shift for others as well. There were those who were not happy with my shift because they could no longer count on me to say yes all of the time. In fact, I was called things like uncommitted, uncaring, selfish, and lazy. Ouch!
It was a hard shift to make. It helped that during this shift we moved out of state. It gave me a clean slate to practice the art of saying no and yes. You see, I take making promises or commitments very seriously. If I promise something, I try to make sure that I follow through. Which is a good thing as long as I am committing to the right things and not over committing myself. I have found a joy in saying no. Not because I enjoy saying no, but because when I say no to some things I open my time up to say yes to the right things. Using what I have set forth as priorities has also made the yes/no decision making process easier, clearer. It has taken away the guilt (mostly). I know it has brought a sense of calmness to my life. It has made my relationships with my husband, my son, and my friends richer, deeper, more enjoyable. I am savoring life, not just rushing through.
And I know that some people still don't like it when I say no. That some still think of me as uncommitted, uncaring, selfish, or maybe lazy. You know what? That's ok with me because I am no longer looking at photos and not remembering being there. When I look my photos now, I look at them with the full memory of that place and time. I am fully engaged in what I am doing. By learning to say no, I discovered the true joy of saying yes to the things that matter.
I'll leave you with a couple of photos that invoke strong positive memories for me.
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