Yes, parenting can be, and often is rewarding. Yes, there are moments filled with great love and joy. And yes, I'll even admit that being a parent is an enriching experience. But, all this also comes at a price. And we often don't talk about that in all our supportive mommy blogs, or church parenting groups, or even from the pulpit.
Well, be prepared, because I'm going to go ahead and rip the bandaid right off in this blog. Being a parent is expensive. When you become a parent, you make a promise to be responsible for another human being. You are (or should be) committed to this person whom you've brought into your life, either through birth or adoption. And let me tell you, this task you've taken on is HUGE! As a parent you are responsible for the physical health, emotional well being, spiritual and moral guidance, and education of this person. That's a lot to be responsible for. And I worry, because really, am I the best one to teach this stuff? Me? This messed up, imperfect, human being?
When my son was little, most of my time was spent trying to ensure that he didn't kill himself by doing things that might bring him physical harm. Things like keeping him from dashing into the street in front of oncoming traffic, using a rope tied to the upper stair banister to lower himself down 3 stories to the awaiting floor below (and yes he did this, at age 4, sigh), making sure he always wore his helmet when on his bike, skateboard, scooter (he has managed to crack 3 helmets in the last 6 years alone). You know the drill.
Things evolve into trying to help him like himself, but not too much. Trying to teach him social norms. Things like we do not belch loudly during daddies business meal in that fancy restaurant. Or, we do not ask strangers questions like, "What do you wear to bed?" Trying to teach him that manners matter, compassion matters, love matters, God matters, laughter matters, stealing is wrong, hitting is wrong, lying is wrong, and the list goes on. Stressing the importance of learning and knowledge. All of that important life "stuff."
And now we find ourselves at a bridge as parents. In just 2 years our child will be going off to college. He will be mostly on his own. We will not be there to whisper words of encouragement or guidance daily. We are in transition as parents. When he was younger, most of the lessons had to do with compliance. For example, for his safety, we needed him to comply with the rule of no handling knives without a parent or adult. I didn't really give any thought about whether or not he felt in his heart that it was a rule worth following. It was a rule. Period. But, as a teenager, I have become aware of a shift. Now, I am no longer looking for just compliance. I'm looking for a heart change. I am hoping that we are instilling in him the desire to follow certain principles and precepts. Not because I (or someone else) said so, not out of simple compliance. But instead out of his understanding that this is a right or wrong issue--this is an integrity issue. And I am hoping for that moment when his heart recognizes the right choice, and then, in recognizing the right path, willingly chooses and embraces it.
And it is in these moments where parenting becomes the most expensive. These are the moments where you have the most invested. And, when your child chooses the wrong path (and I am telling you, that every child, will at one point in time, choose the wrong path on a certain issue), these are the moments when you feel the expense the most. Believe me parents, you will feel this withdrawal from your emotional bank account. And sometimes, it will feel like you have been drained completely. I have been there.
Well, you say, this is encouraging. And yes, I'm being sarcastic. But I'm also being truthful. Parenting isn't always lollipops and roses. However, I am telling you that there is help and hope.
Let's talk first about the help portion. Here's where God steps in. If you find yourself feeling drained, you have a source of wisdom and strength you can call on. Call on God. Cry out to him if need be. Seek him. Ask for wisdom. Ask for guidance. Bring your child before him in prayer. If you are married-- don't carry this burden alone. Make sure that you and your spouse do this together. And this is where your friends come in as well. I'm talking about your very close friends. The one or two, or 5 who have your back. Ask them to help you. Ask them to pray. Share your story, because there is healing to be found when you can honestly talk to someone about your situation. And, if you need it, don't be afraid to seek out expert help.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you." Isaiah 41:10
"We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul--not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the endurable and spills over into joy, thanking the father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us." Colossians 1:11 the message
"Patient persistance pierces through indifference; gentle speech breaks down rigid defenses." Proverbs 25:15 the message
I have to laugh at that last scripture. A few years ago my son had gotten into trouble, and on top of being grounded, I had him write down some scriptures pertaining to the issue at hand. To say I was frustrated with him at the time doesn't come close to how I was feeling. I believe I had ended our conversation by saying something like, "I'm not even sure that you are listening to me and I'm so tired of dealing with this issue. I'm not sure what to do. " He dutifully wrote down all the scriptures I had asked him to look up, and then he added one more. Proverbs 25:15. That last scripture I quoted. When I read it later that night, my spirit took flight. My son, was telling me, through scripture, to not give up hope. Hmmmmm, who was teaching who? That was one of many moments when my soul whispered, "Yes, the expense is worth it, every bit of it." And it has forever become one of my most cherished verses.
And there is hope parents. There are many great, fantastic, amazing moments! Don't get so busy looking for the bad that you forget to look at the good stuff. If you need help, make a list. List all of the good things about your child first. My guess is that list is longer than the "hard/bad stuff." Make sure you tell your child about the good stuff. Let them know you see all areas of their life. Encourage and praise them when they make good choices. Let them know that your love for them isn't dependent on whether or not they make good or bad choices. Encourage questions, even ones that make you uncomfortable, because you are communicating with each other, and that is good. Make sure you are able to tell your child the "why" of what you believe. If you never share the "why" part, they will never understand the value of that belief. Learn to savor and enjoy the good moments. As the Bible says, think on those things.
I'll end this blog with a couple of thoughts. I'm lucky. I'm grateful. I really do have an amazing, fantastic, awesome child! Although being a parent is expensive, I am gladly paying the price. Well, let's be honest, most days I am gladly paying the price. Some days I am seriously bemoaning my account deficit. But that's what being a parent requires. That's the promise I made when I chose to become a mother. And I'm hopeful that I will get to see the payout from my investment. I'm already catching small returns on the investment. And for today, that's enough.
I am well aware that there are parents out there who are struggling way more than I do. Parents where the cost has been extraordinarily extravagant! Those who are living out the prodigal son story daily. And my heart goes out to you. I am praying for you and your family. And I hold on to hope for you, hope for an extravagant payoff one day.
I'll leave you with a photo of my greatest investment. And yes, he is worth it. Every moment.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you." Jeremiah 29:11-13
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