Raising children is part joy and part guerrilla warfare

The saying, "Raising children is part joy and part guerrilla warfare"  has never felt more true to me than these past few years.  I'm turning into a weird combination of James Bond, Nancy Drew, and Leigh Anne Tuohy, with a little Laura Croft thrown in on the side.

"Our kids are growing up on a digital playground and no one is on recess duty."

 In this day and age of the internet, online gaming, smartphones, etc. you have to  almost have a PHD in Computer science and technology to keep up. I have a degree in Computer Science,  and I'm a lost ball in high weeds.   I feel like I'm always one step behind the kids.  Just when I think I know all the apps that are out there like twitter, facebook, instagram, vine, snap chat, a new one called ask.fm shows up.  I hear about it from another mom.  Ugh!

I spend countless hours burrowing through countless "selfies" -- which are self portraits BTW, usually taken in hideous bathrooms (for reasons unknown to me).  I read about 20 gazzillion hours of teenage angst-- things like, "I'm so in love with my BF (boyfriend).  He's the greatest!"  Next day--"He was such a tool (which is not good I guess).  I hope I never see him again."  Next hour-- "I so love him!  Forever yours babe!"  Ok.  Whatever.  I endure all of this to make sure that my teenager has not put anything out there that I should be aware of.  And to make sure that he is not on the receiving end of stuff I should be aware of.

Ok, cue James Bond theme song here.  We have installed net nanny on all of the home computers.  The parental controls and passwords are set up on the T.V.'s.  There's a tracking device installed on his phone. We have a password set up so that all app purchases have to go through me or my husband. There's an app that we have that lets us see every text sent to my son and every outgoing text sent from his phone.  I have the password to his Facebook account so that I can check up on that as well.  It is the greatest timesuck EVER invented. This has turned into a full time job.  And  this digital media world is the reason that all mothers are now slightly insane.

I know that some will argue the privacy issue.  And I say, that in this day and age where I can be held legally responsible for what my kid does, it is my responsibility to be as informed as I can be about his activities.  It is also my duty to keep him safe.  There are a lot of creepy people out there just looking for an opportunity to harm my child.  And yes, I have plans to  completely go James Bond on him  and have a tracking device installed on his car.  Just sayin'. And that's just the technology end.  We haven't even covered the other stuff and I am already overwhelmed.

I miss the simpleness of the younger years sometimes.

"The days are long but the years are short."

"You are making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be."

But I now have a 15 year old.  We are deep in the season of preparing him to leave the nest.  We have 2 years left until college happens.  I spend a lot of time second guessing myself.  Hoping that I'm making the right decisions.  Praying for wisdom and PATIENCE.  Trying to instill in him all the stuff he needs to know and everything he needs to be able to do in order to become a productive member of society.  Making sure he has good character.  Making sure he works hard in school.   It's a weird balance between being tough and being soft; between having control and letting go; between having fun and not overlooking the serious things in life; between letting him have some responsibility but not too much responsibility.

"Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them.  Adolescence is not about letting go.  It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride."

Whoever came up with the quote "There is no greater leadership challenge than parenting"  must have been dealing with teenagers.  The teenage thought process is something to behold.  There are times I'm sure that he has dropped his brain on the floor and forgotten to pick it up. And I think somehow, all lawyers are teenagers who never grew into adulthood, because my teenage son can lay out a final argument like he's a top lawyer at Goodwin Procter.  Sigh...

I do not hold myself up as being the person to come to for parenting advice.  I'm muddling along with the rest of you.  But I would say this.  Put God first in your home. Be courageous--address issues head on.  If something isn't working, don't be afraid to try something different.  Be as consistent as you can.  Be an advocate for your child.  Don't be afraid to point out when they do something wrong.  Tell them you love them more often than you tell them what they are doing wrong.  Pray for your children.  Pray for wisdom.  Be engaged.  Get involved in their life.  Don't be a helicopter parent (one who hovers around all the time).  Let them make mistakes.  Explain why and what you are doing.  Admit you are wrong when you are.  HUG each other. LAUGH together. EXPLORE together. READ together. CRY with them. PRAY some more. Tell them that you enjoy their company.  Promote character.  Have consequences for actions good and bad.  Teach them about money-- how to save it, how to handle it, how to be fiscally responsible, and to pay their bills.  Teach them about respect.  Teach them kindness. Teach them to work hard. Encourage critical thinking and creativity.  Be interested in their hobbies and activities.  Encourage them to take risks.  Pray some more.

But, 

"Don't let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one."

It is challenging, but I see glimpses of the man he is becoming.  Who he can be.  He has a great work ethic (outside of our house).  He has a willingness to be helpful to others.  He's smart.  He's kind. He's articulate.  He will be a great leader one day.  He's thoughtful.  He's quick to laugh.  He enjoys adventure.  He's handsome.  He enjoys eating a great meal.  He has a great love for music.  He loves to travel.  He likes to meet people.  He's resilient.  He's mechanical.  He enjoys and appreciates nature.  He tries new things.  He's not afraid to voice his opinion.  He's good with younger kids.  He's protective.  etc...

I am not saying my son is perfect.  I'm not perfect.  I have great hope that with God's help, we'll make it through these next few years.  We may even look back on them and laugh.  If you are a parent, make sure you take time to enjoy the journey.  It does go fast.  We are going to enjoy this holiday weekend making more family memories.  I hope you get to do the same.

"Parenting is as crazy as circumnavigating the globe without a map.... but, oh what a journey!"

Today I will be classy and elegant...or I will spill food on my shirt and trip over things

I admit it.  I like things to look perfect.  I like the house to look perfect.  I like my clothes to look perfect.  I'm probably secretly in love with the idea of being the "perfect family, couple, mom, woman, etc..."  You see, if I'm honest-- I often harbor the thought that the fake wall of perfection keeps people from finding stuff to criticize (hah!). And, I'm sure I'm not the only person on this planet that has these thoughts (ouch!).

"Today I will be classy and elegant.... or I will spill food on my shirt and trip over things."

That quote makes me laugh, because it is so true.  You see, I'm so perfectly human.  What I mean by that is that I'm the farthest thing away from perfect.  And just when I get into the illusion of perfectionism, I do something that reminds me of how imperfect I am.

I love to look at decorating magazines, books, etc.  I dream of being the tuscan version of Martha Stewart. I especially love the look of the perfect tuscan living room with perfect white furniture flawlessly placed to encourage the best conversations.  A little like this:

And this is what causes my fantasies of the perfect white furniture to die:

This is Keagan's bike after he returned from riding the trails with his buddies.  You can only imagine what he looked like.  He had mud caked in his ears.  

And if we are being totally honest, these are a few photos I took around the house this morning to show you what I find almost every morning:

Keagan's bathroom

Keagan's room (at least today I can see most of the floor)

The basement, known as the man cave, where Keagan likes to hang out

And really, I know that I've shown you the messes that Keagan caused, but in all honesty I have no business having a white couch myself.  Lets face it,  I can't even wear a white shirt for 2 hours before I've managed to dribble something on it or back into something dirty.  To top it all off,  plants come to my house to die, a very slow and miserable death.

This is an Aerogrow garden.  It automatically grows your herbs for you.  It has a fancy lighting and watering system.  It has a growth light that turns itself off and on. My neighbor has the same system.  Her garden is amazing.  Mine?  Epic Fail.

This is the Meyer lemon tree I bought this year.  It is supposed to be the easiest fruit tree to grow in a planter.  It has made lemons, but they have not turned yellow.  And, all the leaves are starting to fall off.  I think I killed it.  Nice.

I tell you, all this striving for perfectionism is tiring!  I could spend 24 hours a day working on making things appear perfect.  Perfectionism, at least for me, is an exhaustive process.  

"We were born to be real, not perfect."

So here I am, in all my imperfect glory.  Showing photos of some of the imperfect parts of my life.  Battling with the part of me that wants only to show the good stuff, the flawless stuff, the ideal, picture-perfect life.  But that picture-perfect life isn't real.  That wall of perfectionism may keep some  from critiquing me (doubtful), but it also keeps people from seeing and knowing the real me.  It also keeps people from feeling like they can be themselves around me as well.  

So, if you are looking at someone and thinking,  "Their life is perfect, they are perfect, etc.."  know this:

"No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers."

Do not let the idea of "perfectionism" hold you back.  I've heard people say, "My house isn't as perfect as so and so's, that's why I don't invite people over."  They aren't there to see your house, they are there to see you.  Don't be afraid to be real with people. It may make you more vulnerable, but it also makes you more relatable.  

I don't have a perfect life, but I do have a good life.  I'm not perfect, just forgiven.  I still battle that part of me that wants everything to be perfect every day.  Luckily for me, that battle is easily conquered by the millions of imperfect things/actions that I do every day.  

I'll leave you with one last thought.  Martha Stewart may have sold the idea of having the perfect life, but she went to prison because she is an imperfect human.  I'm not judging her, I'm just stating the fact that the icon for perfectionism is not, in fact, perfect herself. Just like me.  And now that I've typed that last sentence, a part of me is dying to add in parenthesis the line (except I'm not a convicted felon).  Oh Lord, help me and forgive me.

 Do everything to the best of your ability.   But remember this quote:

"I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."

Bougainvillea Disappointment... this is not how I pictured it in my head

I cannot even begin to describe to you my excitement this spring when, while walking through the Capital Market, I saw Bougainvillea for sale.  I have loved this climbing, brilliantly flowered vine since I first spotted them in California and Arizona years ago.  My love only grew this summer when we saw them all over Mediterranean. As I talked to the lady at the stand, she said that although they would not winter over if left outside, I could bring them in for the winter and they would be fine.  She said they would do well over the summer and liked the humid climate. Even better, the deer didn't like them. Fantastic!

My brain immediately filled with pictures like this:

I bought three and promptly placed them by my garage doors.  I was going to grow my own little piece of Mediterranean/Californian plant heaven.  It was going to be amazing!  And, over the winter I would bring them inside to cheer up the house.  Perfect.

We are nearing the end of the summer and this is what I actually have:

Hmmmm.  I'm a bit disappointed.  It's definitely not what I expected.  The reality is not matching what I had envisioned in my mind.  They are not as big, bold, and colorful as I had hoped.

Now, I know my illustration of my lack of growing prowess is a little silly, but it is a good analogy for what I have been thinking about.  Have you ever been disappointed?  Has your life or your situation not turned out the way you had envisioned it?  I think everyone has had those moments.  Those times in life when you turn around and say, "Wait a minute, this was not how I pictured it in my head."  

So, you're standing there, discouraged, disheartened, and disillusioned.  These moments happen.  I've been there many times.  I'll probably be there again at some point in my life. You can try your best to plan around/avoid these moments,  but the reality is that disappointment is sometimes a part of life. 

It's what you do after the moments that are important.  

Sometimes you have to let go of the vision you had so you can move on.  These quotes say it best (and yes I love quotes and no I'm not going to stop using them):

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

"You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time."

You've got to look around and find something to be grateful for.  I know this is hard, but do it anyway.  Even if you are only grateful that you woke up today, be grateful.

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."

Finding something to be grateful for changes your perspective.  It helps to slowly shift your viewpoint.  Sometimes this feels like you are trying to pull a whole train through mud,  but you can do it.  

"Perspective is what determines your life resembling the clouds or the silver lining."

Changing your perspective in a situation is sometimes a slow process.  It takes discipline.  You have to be mindful of your thoughts.  I think we often just let thoughts wonder through our brains without any awareness of how they make us feel about and react to a situation.  We assume we have no control over this issue.  That's not true.  You can control what you think about.  Why do you think the following verse is in the Bible?

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-- the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse."  Philippians 4:8  the message

Now, for a change in perspective on the Bougainvillea situation.  If I just looked at what my vision was, I miss the beauty that is in the details right in front of me.  My plants did not get as tall or as full as I wanted them too, but there was still beauty in the flowers they did produce:

I'll leave you with one last quote:

"There are always flowers for those who want to see them."

A quarter of a century... A Love Story

Today marks my 25th anniversary with my wonderful husband.  So be warned, I'm going to get mushy.

We were so young!  But we have had an amazing journey together!  

Here are some thoughts on what has made our marriage work.  Along with some random photo's from our marriage.

1.  God. My relationship with God helps me to be a better person.  Jeff's relationship with God helps him to be a better person.  Together, God helps us to be a better couple.

2. Partnership.  Jeff is my true partner in this relationship.  We make big decisions together.  We work together to make our life as good as it can be.  We bounce ideas off of each other. We help each other out.  I can count on him and he can count on me.  We parent together as a unified team.

3.  Mutual respect.  We truly respect each other.  And we treat each other with respect.  We treat each other with kindness.  Be careful what you say to and about your spouse.  This is not always easy, but try to make this a priority. 

4.  Saying I love you.  We say I love you to each other often.  It reminds us that we truly do care and love each other.  And some days, if you have been married long enough, you need to say and hear that verbal message.

5.  Laughter.  We enjoy being silly together.  Laughing together.  Not taking ourselves too seriously.

6.  Adventure.  We love spending time together and exploring together.  You do not have to travel to have an adventure.  Some of our best "adventures" happened close to home.  But, we love to travel together when we can.

7.  Be your spouses biggest fan!  Cheer them on.  Encourage them.  Tell them that you are proud of them!  Defend them.  Have each other's back.  I tell you right now.  I'm extremely, exceedingly, abundantly proud of my husband!  He's an amazingly talented man!  I even support him when he catches little bitty fish ;)

8.  Spend time with family and doing family things together.  They can be an incredible support system.

9.  Be committed.  Hang on to the promise you made each other with fierce tenacity.  Don't let it go. There may be days that that is all you hang on to.  But still, hang on.

10. Be forgiving.  Holding on to hurts, pain and resentment only brings more stress to your relationship.  Learn to let go of the little things.  

To Jeff:  I love you more now than I did when we started our marriage.  You grow more handsome, more kind, more fun to be with, more amazing with every year!  You are an incredible partner and a wonderful Dad!   "Baby I'm amazed by you!" 

I can't wait to see what the next 25 years will bring!