I'm Over the word "Clique"

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm just over the word "clique."  Completely.  Over. It.  I have been accused of being in a clique in church at various times of my life.  The most ridiculous charge being "I was in the leadership clique and I shouldn't hang out with those people so much."  Ummmm… the reason that this was so funny was that my dad was the Pastor,  and I still lived at home.  Just how was I supposed to not spend time with him and the other leaders?  I know that is an extreme example, but it just shows that this accusation of "clique" is often misused.

I believe that we have over used that word to often describe what is a naturally occurring event in society (and in church in particular).  I think we use the word clique to describe healthy, natural relationships.  I'm not talking about the group that deliberately, spitefully, and with great superiority excludes others.  No, I'm talking about the group that has formed a close bond together through shared interests and time spent together. Often, that group shares similar interests, life experiences, etc.  I believe that a group that "does life together" is natural and healthy.  It's what we were made to do.  Jesus did it.

Don't believe me?  Then what would you call his 12 disciples?  Some people today would probably point a finger at them and call them a clique.  I mean really, there were only 12.  And out of that 12, they formed an inner circle of Jesus, John, James and Peter.  So, was that wrong?  Was that a clique?  I don't believe so.  In fact, I believe it was a model for us on how to build close relationships in our lives.

And there is also some science to back this theory up.  A researcher named Robin Dunbar came up with a number of how many friends a person can have.  The total number was around 150.  However, within that number are layers.

Layer 0- This consists of 3-5 people.  The nucleus of friends.  

These are people that you could call, day or night, for any reason.  

These are the ones that you trust enough to tell your deepest secret or problem too. 

These people support, encourage, and value you. And you do the same for them.

These are usually people with whom you have common interests.

These are people who have earned that trust.

You spend a lot of time with these people.

Layer 1 -This consists of 12-15 people.  These are close friends.

These are the people you celebrate important life events with.

These people support, encourage and value you and you do the same for them.

These are usually people who you share common interests with.

These are people that you enjoy doing activities with.

You often spend time with these people.

Layer 2 -This consists of 45-50 people. These are a little more distant friends.

These are people that you spend time with occasionally, but you enjoy their company when you do get to see them.

Layer 4-6--This consists of 90 - 80 people.  These are more acquaintances.

You may keep in touch distantly and occasionally.

The main difference between layer 0 friends and Layer 4-6 friends?  Time spent together.  Forming a deep, trusting relationship takes an enormous amount of time.  And I don't know about you, but I for one, do not have enough time in the day to spend the time it takes to form a deep relationship with 150 people.  No one really does.  A lot of times those we form close relationships through shared similar interests.  I think sharing similar interests is a natural stepping stone to building a relationship. 

You see, it's not realistic to expect people to form deep bonds with everyone they meet. And, I don't believe you should share your deep secrets/problems with everyone (contrary to what currently takes place on social media).  Those need to be reserved for those who you know have your best interest at heart.  Those who will give you advice based on what's best for you, not what's best for them.  Those who are invested in your well being.  Those types of deep, intimate relationships are rare.  They don't happen all the time.  And, I feel that they should be cherished and deeply valued.  You also need to accept and acknowledge the fact that not every friendship is going to result in that deep, close relationship.  And the fact that not everyone you meet should be a close intimate friend.

A lot of churches have done a great job recognizing the fact that the pastor simply cannot form deep relationships with everyone in the congregation.  And yet, there is a created and innate desire within all of us to have those relationships. In response, the church came up with, what I believe, is a good answer in the form of small groups.  These are groups of people who meet outside of the Sunday morning worship service.  These small groups are meant to encourage and nurture the formation of strong relationships between church members.  And a lot of these groups do that very well.  However, then the church often becomes critical of these groups, who have bonded and formed these close relationships, calling them a clique.  So what gives?  What do you really want to have happen in these groups?  Should we not have small groups?  

That brings me full circle back to the model Jesus showed us in the Bible.  And I believe that his example is a good one.  A healthy one.  And is based on how God created us to be.  I don't believe that God created us to have close relationships with everyone we meet, know, or come into contact with.  I think it is normal to have just a few really close friends.  And I do not think you should feel the need to defend or apologize for that.  Take the time to continue to grow your close relationships by eating dinner together, doing activities together, etc.. and do so without regret or guilt.

 Let me say that I still believe you should be friendly and open to others you come into contact with. That just because you have your few close friends doesn't mean you completely exclude all others.  I believe you can make time for both.  While I encourage you to form and thoroughly enjoy deep relationships with a few people, make sure you are open to meeting new people.  

And, if you find yourself wanting to be part of a specific group of people, I would encourage you to take the first step.  In order to make a friend you have to be one.  Friendship is a two way street.  It takes effort on both sides.  You can't sit back and say that a group is "exclusive" if you have never stepped up and tried to befriend them.  If you will take the first step, you just might be surprised at the result.  I have built some of my best relationships with people by simply just stepping in and inviting someone I wanted to get to know better over for dinner.  The worst thing that can happen to you is that they tell you no.  And I have learned that the word no doesn't kill you.  I would also like to add that there are many groups that I am not part of, and that is more than ok with me.  I do not feel like I have to be involved in everything. I have no resentment or jealousy because I have a great group of friends who bring great joy and value to my life.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite photo's of Keagan and a friend he had when he was younger.  This was at a field day event and they were discussing strategy while watching their teammates compete in an event.  I don't know why I just love this photo, but I do.  It makes me smile every time I see it.