What are you serving at your table? .. or I'm tired of drama

Our little family has started a new dinner tradition.  We were finding that our dinner discussions needed a little help.  I mean really, there's only so many ways you can talk about school, work, and cleaning.  In an effort to expand our discussion topics, and thus save us all from extreme boredom, I picked up one little book of conversation starters.  We each picked a question and took turns answering the question--which often led to even deeper conversations.  We have sucked all of Keagan's friends who randomly join us for dinner into this "dinner game."  My theory is that if you want to eat my food, you must participate in the conversation.  And, for the most part, they willingly do so.

Anyway, we had the following question the other night:  "If you had to pick one meal to eat every night for an entire year, what would it be and why?"  Ok, I need to stop you here and tell you why this question was like throwing cold water in our face.  You see, we are a family of foodies.  I mean, we love food.  And, we love a variety of food.  In fact, I think variety in our family meal is like one of our biggest family values.  So, you see, the prospect of eating the same thing, every night, for an ENTIRE year sent cold shivers up and down our spines.

Ok, I'm going to make a comparative jump here, so stay with me.  Just like we need and desire variety in our diets, we desire and need emotional variety in our lives.  For example, let's take the issue of drama.  Regardless of whether we like drama  or not, it has a place in our lives.  But, for some people, that's all they serve at their table, so to speak.  You see, drama, like sugar, can sometimes bring an adrenaline rush.  It can get your heart pumping.  But the problem with sugar and drama is that the rush leaves as quickly as it comes.  And, like sugar, drama isn't really nutritionally sound.  It doesn't nourish you long term. That sugar rush you first experience then leaves you more drained, more undernourished than you were when you started.  To borrow a term often used for food, drama is like empty calories. When your diet is made up entirely of drama, you use up all of your allotted calories on something that didn't provide the nourishment you needed in order to complete the work you need to do (live life).  Drama doesn't leave room for things that your well being needs to be healthy and balanced, like peace, love, and joy.

Drama can be addicting.  People get addicted to that rush and the attention that it brings to them.  In fact, I would even go so far as to say that there are those who, when faced with a drama-free dinner, can't cope with it, because it's not their normal type of meal.  So they go out and find the ingredients to mix up a little plate of drama in order to feel comfortable at the dinner table. But you see, the problem with a diet of just drama is that people get sick of eating it, day after day, night after night.  Others long for variety.  If all you serve at your table is drama, then you are soon going to have a table of just one.

It's hard to not get sucked into a diet filled with drama.  I mean, it's all around us.  In the news, we hear, and are often drawn to the dramatic stories we see.  We are encouraged to view a diet of all drama as "normal" -- just look at all of the "reality" shows on T.V.  They contain bucketfuls of drama.  And we eat it up.  And then wonder why we are feeling hungry and empty an hour later.

There is a space for drama.  It is a naturally occurring element of our lives.  But it's just one piece of our emotional food pyramid.  In order to be healthy, we need to manage the amount of drama we serve and ingest.  And balance it out with other things like calm, peace, love, joy etc… Personally, I prefer my drama to take place in movies and in books ;)

So, I'll leave you with another place where I appreciate drama-- and that's in nature.  I'll leave you with a couple of photos of some brown bears enjoying a good meal.  I'm sure that this was a day full of drama for the salmon.   Have a good day!

I'm Over the word "Clique"

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm just over the word "clique."  Completely.  Over. It.  I have been accused of being in a clique in church at various times of my life.  The most ridiculous charge being "I was in the leadership clique and I shouldn't hang out with those people so much."  Ummmm… the reason that this was so funny was that my dad was the Pastor,  and I still lived at home.  Just how was I supposed to not spend time with him and the other leaders?  I know that is an extreme example, but it just shows that this accusation of "clique" is often misused.

I believe that we have over used that word to often describe what is a naturally occurring event in society (and in church in particular).  I think we use the word clique to describe healthy, natural relationships.  I'm not talking about the group that deliberately, spitefully, and with great superiority excludes others.  No, I'm talking about the group that has formed a close bond together through shared interests and time spent together. Often, that group shares similar interests, life experiences, etc.  I believe that a group that "does life together" is natural and healthy.  It's what we were made to do.  Jesus did it.

Don't believe me?  Then what would you call his 12 disciples?  Some people today would probably point a finger at them and call them a clique.  I mean really, there were only 12.  And out of that 12, they formed an inner circle of Jesus, John, James and Peter.  So, was that wrong?  Was that a clique?  I don't believe so.  In fact, I believe it was a model for us on how to build close relationships in our lives.

And there is also some science to back this theory up.  A researcher named Robin Dunbar came up with a number of how many friends a person can have.  The total number was around 150.  However, within that number are layers.

Layer 0- This consists of 3-5 people.  The nucleus of friends.  

These are people that you could call, day or night, for any reason.  

These are the ones that you trust enough to tell your deepest secret or problem too. 

These people support, encourage, and value you. And you do the same for them.

These are usually people with whom you have common interests.

These are people who have earned that trust.

You spend a lot of time with these people.

Layer 1 -This consists of 12-15 people.  These are close friends.

These are the people you celebrate important life events with.

These people support, encourage and value you and you do the same for them.

These are usually people who you share common interests with.

These are people that you enjoy doing activities with.

You often spend time with these people.

Layer 2 -This consists of 45-50 people. These are a little more distant friends.

These are people that you spend time with occasionally, but you enjoy their company when you do get to see them.

Layer 4-6--This consists of 90 - 80 people.  These are more acquaintances.

You may keep in touch distantly and occasionally.

The main difference between layer 0 friends and Layer 4-6 friends?  Time spent together.  Forming a deep, trusting relationship takes an enormous amount of time.  And I don't know about you, but I for one, do not have enough time in the day to spend the time it takes to form a deep relationship with 150 people.  No one really does.  A lot of times those we form close relationships through shared similar interests.  I think sharing similar interests is a natural stepping stone to building a relationship. 

You see, it's not realistic to expect people to form deep bonds with everyone they meet. And, I don't believe you should share your deep secrets/problems with everyone (contrary to what currently takes place on social media).  Those need to be reserved for those who you know have your best interest at heart.  Those who will give you advice based on what's best for you, not what's best for them.  Those who are invested in your well being.  Those types of deep, intimate relationships are rare.  They don't happen all the time.  And, I feel that they should be cherished and deeply valued.  You also need to accept and acknowledge the fact that not every friendship is going to result in that deep, close relationship.  And the fact that not everyone you meet should be a close intimate friend.

A lot of churches have done a great job recognizing the fact that the pastor simply cannot form deep relationships with everyone in the congregation.  And yet, there is a created and innate desire within all of us to have those relationships. In response, the church came up with, what I believe, is a good answer in the form of small groups.  These are groups of people who meet outside of the Sunday morning worship service.  These small groups are meant to encourage and nurture the formation of strong relationships between church members.  And a lot of these groups do that very well.  However, then the church often becomes critical of these groups, who have bonded and formed these close relationships, calling them a clique.  So what gives?  What do you really want to have happen in these groups?  Should we not have small groups?  

That brings me full circle back to the model Jesus showed us in the Bible.  And I believe that his example is a good one.  A healthy one.  And is based on how God created us to be.  I don't believe that God created us to have close relationships with everyone we meet, know, or come into contact with.  I think it is normal to have just a few really close friends.  And I do not think you should feel the need to defend or apologize for that.  Take the time to continue to grow your close relationships by eating dinner together, doing activities together, etc.. and do so without regret or guilt.

 Let me say that I still believe you should be friendly and open to others you come into contact with. That just because you have your few close friends doesn't mean you completely exclude all others.  I believe you can make time for both.  While I encourage you to form and thoroughly enjoy deep relationships with a few people, make sure you are open to meeting new people.  

And, if you find yourself wanting to be part of a specific group of people, I would encourage you to take the first step.  In order to make a friend you have to be one.  Friendship is a two way street.  It takes effort on both sides.  You can't sit back and say that a group is "exclusive" if you have never stepped up and tried to befriend them.  If you will take the first step, you just might be surprised at the result.  I have built some of my best relationships with people by simply just stepping in and inviting someone I wanted to get to know better over for dinner.  The worst thing that can happen to you is that they tell you no.  And I have learned that the word no doesn't kill you.  I would also like to add that there are many groups that I am not part of, and that is more than ok with me.  I do not feel like I have to be involved in everything. I have no resentment or jealousy because I have a great group of friends who bring great joy and value to my life.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite photo's of Keagan and a friend he had when he was younger.  This was at a field day event and they were discussing strategy while watching their teammates compete in an event.  I don't know why I just love this photo, but I do.  It makes me smile every time I see it.

Broken Crayons Can Still Color….Be Encouraged

Have you ever watched children using a box of crayons?  Have you ever noticed that they often show a preference for crayons that are not broken?  So, what makes them do this?  Just because a crayon is broken doesn't affect it's color.  A broken crayon still puts out the same color as it did when it was whole.  The difference between a whole and broken crayon is usually all in appearance.  The broken crayon is not as pretty, as pristine, as the whole crayon.  The paper covering of a broken crayon is usually a little rattier, a little dirtier, not as crisp or as visually appealing.  But just because the crayon is broken doesn't mean that it cannot still serve it's purpose.

Are you aware that the Bible is full of "broken crayons" that were still used by God to fulfill the purpose He set out before them?  You see, we tend to think the the "heroes" of the Bible as spotless.  But if you truly read the backstory, read between the lines, you will notice a common theme… broken people being greatly used by God.

Maybe you are one of those broken crayons, feeling like your sin is too great, that you are too broken to ever be used by God, let alone be loved by Him.  Maybe you have even been told that by people who should know (i.e. Christians, ministers, etc.).  Maybe you have overheard a conversation or read a comment on Facebook that describes your situation as shameful, not worthy of forgiveness or redemption, and condemns any person who has found themselves there.  These comments have made you feel that because of this action you are broken beyond repair.  Maybe you feel like you can't or shouldn't go to church because only "whole" people go there.  Or even worse, you are too broken for God to love or to use.

"God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.  Let me add, God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not."

You see, often people look at others and only see the broken crayon.  They fail to see what God sees. Here's what you need to understand about broken crayons.  The sharp edge of the broken crayon, when used, often produces a darker, richer, deeper color than the normal blunt end of the crayon.  A broken crayon without a paper wrapping can be turned on it's side and the whole length of it can be used.  This also means that the color left by the broken crayon used on it's side can color a bigger space than the blunt end of a whole crayon.  Are you getting the picture?

"Sometimes good people make bad choices.  It doesn't mean that they are bad people, it means that they are human."

"Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo."

So, let me encourage you today.  If you are broken, welcome to the club.  We are all, in some way, shape, or form broken.  And guess what?  God still loves us all.  Deeply, passionately, and unwaveringly.  You are not too broken for God, I don't care what anyone else may try to tell you.  God will not only accept and love you, but he will use you, and all your broken pieces, to bring about great things.  Remember:

"Broken crayons can still color."

The challenge for all of us today is twofold:

1. Don't let your brokenness keep you from seeking a relationship with God.  Also, don't let it keep you from being used by God.

2. Watch what you say and how you say it when talking about a certain sin or behavior.  Make sure that you are not breaking and crushing those who are already broken.  There is already enough condemnation and judgement out there to crush the toughest of people.

If you still don't believe me about God using broken crayons, here's a very short list of Bible Heroes that were broken, yet greatly used:

Moses was a murderer.  So was David.

Paul was not only a murderer, but he murdered countless people in the name of God, all  while believing that he had the moral and ethical right to do so, because it was believed to be the right thing to do according to the laws of the religious leaders.

David committed adultery.

Moses, Peter, and Paul had bad tempers.

Rahab was a prostitute.

Sampson was a womanizer.

Jonah ran from God and disobeyed him.

Noah got drunk.

Jacob was a liar.

Gideon was a coward.

and the list goes on…. The point is God often uses the broken crayons to leave the most colorful marks in life.  Be encouraged by that!


I'll leave you with a few more colorful photos from the Chihuly gallery.

ENTJ…I Know Why the Caged Cat Screams...

"If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance and care."

I was listening the other day to Pastor Ron Carpenter Jr. (an acquaintance of mine, I knew his father) online and he said something that caught my attention.  He said, "Wisdom understands difference."  And this phrase has been floating around in my brain ever since.  I've been praying for several years that God would help give me wisdom when it comes to sharing His love with other people.  I believe that I need wisdom to do so.  You see, I do not want to be the person that someone points to and says "I have no desire to know God because of my interaction with her. "  That would be a tragedy.  I believe that understanding the differences in people helps me to have wisdom in my interactions with others.  But to truly understand the differences, I must first understand myself.

Which leads me to the ENTJ portion of my title.  ENTJ refers to my Meyers Brigs Personality type.  It's a test (brief and fun) that you can take to determine your personality type.  I took my first one over 25 years ago (holy smokes!).  As part of my sons college prep course, he had to take one the other day.  Since he was doing it, I decided to retake mine, to see if it had changed.  No, I am still the same, just hopefully a little wiser.  (If you would like to take a free test go to 16personalities.com).

I'll give you a brief rundown on what the letters mean:

The first two letters represent your interaction with people.  You are either an E or I.
E- Extroverted:  Prefers group activities, thinks while speaking, energized by social interaction
I - Introverted: Prefers solitary activities, thinks about answers before speaking, exhausted by social interaction

The next two letters N & S have to do with how we see the world and process information.  You are either an N or S.
N - Intuitive: Imaginative, relies on intuition, gets absorbed in ideas, Focuses on what might happen
S- Observant: Down to earth, relies on senses, absorbed in practical matters, focuses on what has happened

The next two letters focus on how we make decisions and cope with emotions. You are either a T or F.
T- Thinking: tough, follow their minds, focus on objectivity and rationality
F- Feeling: Sensitive, follow their hearts, Focus on harmony and cooperation

The last two letters have to do with how you approach work, planning, and decision making. You are either a J or P.
J- Judging: Decisive, prefer clear rules and guidelines, sees deadlines as sacred, seeks closure
P-Prospecting: Good at improvising, prefer to keep their options open, relaxed about work, seeks freedom

ENTJ Characteristics-  A natural leader. Strategic thinker and planner.  Fiercely independent (what me?), Open- minded, Analytical, Embraces rationality and impartiality, Strong willed (phttttt) Imaginative, Energetic, Outgoing, Innovative, Forward-thinking, Visionary, Bold, Blunt, Ambitious, Organized (I have seriously labeled all the cabinets and drawers in my kitchen. It's a sickness.), Decisive, Natural problem solver, Values learning, Excels in intellectual debates, Communicative, Strong ability to analyze what is wrong and put together a plan to solve the problem, Far more interested in what works than what satisfies everybody.  Recognizes learning opportunities.  Values people who they can learn from. Willing to change ideas/thoughts/goals if someone comes up with a better, more logical, one.

A few other interesting facts:  ENTJ's are extremely rare, about 1% of the female population.  Hmmmmmm…. that explains a few things.  They are the least likely of personality types to believe in a higher power (which attests to God's amazing power to bring change in an individual, namely me).  They have no patience for red tape, task redundancy and aimless confusion.  They prefer logic over emotion. They tend to end up in leadership roles in everything they do. They have no need for emotional reassurance from others.

Nothing drives me Caged Cat Screaming crazy like clubs/organizations/businesses that have no form of organization, no desire to change the status quo (because we've always done it this way) even though it is ineffective, redundant, full of illogical rules and emotionally driven instead of logically and goal driven,  is complacent and reluctant to learn, refuses to look towards the future, and refuses to engage the community around them in a meaningful and helpful way (being careful to not waste their time).  Oh, and put me on the Board of said club/organization/business in a position (usually entitled secretary) that has no authority or way to create needed change and my only job is to record and regurgitate in some form of "notes" the redundant and ineffectual tasks because I'm a girl and that's the girls position.  Been there.  Tried to do that.  And I have decided that I would rather be pecked to death by ducks than EVER, EVER, EVER do that again.  Ugh!

So what does all this mean? Well, it doesn't mean anything if I don't also understand my weaknesses.  My greatest weakness is in the emotional and sensitivity side, in that, I don't naturally have one.  I don't tend to react well in cases where I can't solve the problem (such as taking away someone's pain) or in cases where people keep repeating the same mistake over and over, or in areas where high emotion is involved.  It's not that I don't have emotion, I just don't know what to do with some of it- especially if I can't solve the problem.  Unfortunately, what is needed to relate to people - to show them God's love- are things like empathy, compassion, and a willingness to let God solve the problem instead of me.  It is my greatest struggle in life to embrace this side of people.  And thus my need to pray and ask for wisdom and understanding with the end goal being to love others.

So what's an ENTJ to do?  Well, being true to my nature, I recognized and analyzed the problem, formed a plan, and took off like a boss to meet my end goal (and yes, I am making fun of myself here).  And then God sent me a son who is an ESFJ.  Oh lord! I have a son that relies on his senses and his heart to make decisions. He's a hugger!   He's a natural born leader-- just leaning more towards feelings than towards logic.  And he is still, to this day, my biggest teacher on how to understand and value differences in people.  I greatly value the lessons taught to me by my son about empathy, harmony, cooperation, and nurturing.  ( In case you were wondering, my husband is an INTJ- which is a personality type that I instinctively understand.)

So, I'm still praying for wisdom. I am gaining wisdom by learning who I am. By grasping my strengths and weaknesses.  And through it all, I'm beginning to understand that true wisdom understands difference.  By understanding the differences in people, I can then begin to love them and value them as God does.  I still don't have it all together or understand it all, but I am willing to try.  I am willing to let God transform me into who I need to be in order to reach out to others around me. I believe that love is the only force capable of transforming anyone.

My challenge to you is to start by understanding yourself, and then ask for the wisdom to understand others.

I'll leave you with a few photos from the Chihuly Gardens and Glass gallery in Seattle.  What I like about these pieces is that they consist of many uniquely different parts, none of them perfect on their own, yet together they somehow blend and make a beautiful piece of artwork.

Have a good day!

What will your verse be?

I, like many others, am saddened today by the news that one of my favorite actors, Robin Williams has taken his own life.  When I was younger I remember watching him on the show Mork and Mindy.  I have followed his career and watched as he morphed from great comedian to amazing actor.  Most of his characters were thought provoking.

One of my favorite movies was Dead Poets Society.  This movie sparked in me a great love for poetry. One scene that I particularly like is where Robin Williams character, John Keating, quotes from one of Walt Whitman's poems.  Here is what  the character John Keating says in this scene:

"O me! O life!…of the questions of these recurring;  of the endless trains of the faithless….of cities filled with the foolish;  what good amid these, O me, O life?  Answer.  That you are here--that life exists, and identity;  that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.  That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. "

And then, he delivers one of the most powerful lines in the movie, "What will your verse be?"

And that is my question to you and to myself today.  When all is said and done, what verse will you have contributed to the world's poem?  It's a good question to ask yourself.  I have no doubt that many of you will leave an amazing mark on this world.  I have friends who are doing some amazing research regarding cures for disease, working towards ending hunger, working towards finding cleaner and more environmentally ways to bring energy to this world, working to end poverty, rescuing children from harm, etc…..  All of these people just amaze me!  They are writing their "verse" in some amazing powerful ways.  But the reality of life is that not all of us are going to be able to do what those people are doing.  Does that mean you are not contributing a verse (or at least not contributing a line that will have any impact)?  Hmmmmm….

That lead me to thinking about what I would like my verse to be.  And, I'll admit right here that I am not a poet in any way, shape, or form.  My verse is not eloquently written.  It is not a verse that will even stand out in the face of the verses that others will contribute.  Still, I believe my verse will be important to someone.  Even maybe make an impact on someone.  And if my verse only impacts one person, it is still worth it to me to write and contribute my one line.  So here's the big reveal. I would like for my verse to be:

"Through (Yolanda) I experienced God's great love for me."

That's it.  Simple.  Yet complete.  I may yet add another line, my life is not over.  But if I do not, I am content with my one line.

The poem, A Psalm of Life, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow says this in a more eloquent way.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

Life is real!  Life is earnest!

And the grave is not it's goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each tomorrow

Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no future, howe'er pleasant!

Let the dead past bury it's dead!

Act, -- act in the living present!

Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another

Sailing o'er life's solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

So,  what will your verse be?  It's never to late to add more lines to your verse.  

I'll leave you with some recent photo's from Alaska taken from a helicopter.  What a beautiful place!    Have a great day!