Anyway, I digress. This past year, God has been working on something in my heart, in my spirit, and in the last few months, I feel like he has laid me out flat, thus the Flat out Like a Lizard Drinking phrase. I mean, I have found myself laying flat out on the floor with these heart changes that he is causing. Thus the reference to the "Help, I've fallen and I Can't Get Up" phrase. And to be honest with you, I'm not sure I'm ready to fully stand yet. My heart has been broken ( in a good, yet hard way).
For me, it all started with a comment I read on Facebook. I can't even recall exactly what the comment said, or who said it. But what I do recall was my reaction to it. It was a comment that at one point in time, I would have halfway agreed with, maybe, on some level. But for some reason, this time it just struck me as hard, harsh, mean-spirited, narrow, and unloving. It caused me to physically recoil from my computer. I wanted nothing to do with this statement. I wanted to put as much distance between myself and this statement as I possibly could. And, because this statement was made by a Christian, for what is was termed as a "Christian cause", I felt somehow, irrevocably yoked to this statement, because I am a Christ-follower. ( and I just caught myself here, notice I used the term Christ-follower to describe myself and Christian to describe the other person? My natural inclination is to still provide distance for myself).
Thus began a struggle for me. I wanted to truly show the love of God to those around me--but I was honestly struggling with being lumped into the general "Christian" group. I even began to try and distance myself from those who I felt were being overly judgmental and unloving. My viewpoint was slowly starting to shift a little off center. I began to read a book by Jen Hatmaker, entitled Interrupted. As I was reading, I came across this statement in her book and it shook me:
"Standing stubbornly on principle or privilege indicates an immature heart that prefers to be right rather than seek the redemption of his neighbor. When we lead with doctrine before love, we brutalize the spirit of the doctrine we're prioritizing." Jen Hatmaker
Immediately my spirit said yes, this is what I'm feeling. All of those people who are out there shoveling all that "preachy cause, you are not worthy stuff" without first showing love should read this and feel convicted. You go girl (meaning Jen Hatmaker)! I'm right behind you (and by right behind you I mean I am cheering for you all by myself in the comfort of my own home, while silently passing judgement on all my other brothers and sisters).
But then I read the following quotes and went to my knees:
"I'm leaving the paradigm that lets me cherry pick the sins that make me most uncomfortable for condemnation while conveniently leaving my personal struggles out of the public sphere."
Jen Hatmaker
Yes, you go……wait a minute, what was that about my personal struggles? Public? This is getting uncomfortable….
"None of us gets to treat people like expendable articles and expect God to look the other way because it somehow advanced His kingdom or had nothing to do with it. We can't ignore God's ways and expect to maintain His favor." Jen Hatmaker
"If we claim affinity for Christ but turn a blind eye to those He identified Himself with, there is no honor in that. There is no truth in it." Jen Hatmaker
Uh Oh. Oh man…. that's me. These quotes are referring to me. God is talking to me, about me. Let me tell you, sometimes when God really focuses on your heart, on the cleaning out of it, it can be a painful and humbling experience. You see, there were still areas where I was still judgmental, that I held onto tightly, because I felt that I was right. Oh yes, I was quick to give grace to the stranger I ran into who was far from God, but unwilling to give that same grace to say….my fellow brother/sister in Christ, or to the Christian mom whose teenager was in my view "Out of control", or to my own teenage son when he himself made bad/wrong choices. And in a way that I wouldn't have done to a stranger, I shamed them. Maybe not loudly, maybe not even verbally or in an outward way, but quietly in my heart. OUCH OUCH OUCH---
You know what finally put me face down on the floor-- flat out like a lizard drinking? It was a blog about moms of teenagers in crisis, by, yet again Jen Hatmaker (I'm sorry, but her stuff is really speaking to me right now). The story shared by one woman in the blog had me weeping. But then I went and read the other stories that other women wrote in the comments section and began to do the full on ugly cry. When they voiced the shame they felt, both self-inflicted and inflicted on them by others, I began to sob. When they voiced the loneliness, the helplessness, their deep and utter sense of failure, my heart fell to the floor. And it wasn't just the knowledge of what these moms had been through. I felt a deep sorrow for the lack of God's mercy being shown to millions of people each and every day. The shame, guilt, helplessness, and sense of failure that people suffer from everyday without anyone showing them the light of God's grace and love.
I began to cry out in sorrow and regret. Regret for any and every time I failed to show love to someone, anyone, around me. Sorrow for utterly failing in my mission to show God's love. So, that's where I've found myself. On the floor, broken, yet willing to allow God to put me back together in a new and better way.
That's where I'm going to leave this blog today….. not quite finished. I'll do the second installment later this week entitled… "Getting up off the Floor and moving on." I'm not even sure why I felt so pressed to share this, because this has been, and continues to be, a very deep personal journey for me. But, I'm sharing this, in the hope that maybe there is something in here that can be helpful to someone, somehow. If it doesn't reach out and grab anyone else, it has fulfilled it's purpose in me of providing a catalyst for a deep heart change in me.
I'll leave you with a photo from Croatia. A country which is recovering from a great war. And even though war ravaged this country, it is coming back in a more beautiful way.
While there we had an opportunity to drive into the countryside and eat a light lunch at this local families home. This is not their original house, that was destroyed, burned to the ground, during the war. However, they have rebuilt the structure, and since all of their olive orchards were also burned (which was their way of generating income), they now host visiting families for lunch while they provide entertainment by singing and playing instruments. They have rebuilt, and found a new way to do things. Hmmmmm….
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