The Diamond Celebration-- A Reflection on 30 years of marriage by an imperfect spouse

So, a few days ago someone  on Facebook made a comment on an old photo and comment of Jeff's.  This photo happened to be the post he put up last year on our anniversary. Well, you know how Facebook is, once someone comments, the photo and post come back into circulation, and we were getting all sorts of amazing well wishes for a Happy Anniversary.  I was very grateful for all the kind thoughts, but I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasn't quite our anniversary yet, just so people wouldn't think something weird was going on.

However, Our 30th Anniversary is coming up at the end of the month, and this whole Facebook thing had me reflecting on our 30 years of marriage (how on earth has it been 30 years already?), so I thought I'd write about a few things I have learned about marriage.  Not a perfect marriage, but a good one all the same. It turns out that I looked up what you are supposed to give each other at 30 years and the "new" rules state that it is diamonds....thus the reason for the title.

So here it goes... 30 Things I have learned about Marriage in 30 Years.... and for full disclosure...we still are practicing getting all these things right and doing them well.

1.  God is an important foundation in your marriage.  A belief in God provides a solid oneness in beliefs and values.  These values and beliefs help you navigate decision making together.  Having God at the core of your marriage also provides you with a solid place to run when things get hard--- and believe me-- things sometimes get hard.  Having at least one core thing (God) that you both believe in is marriage saving.  It may sometimes be the only thing on which you can both agree.

2. Let go of Perfection.  Do not believe the lie that your spouse will always be perfect.  That's a Hollywood myth, and will only foster discontent.  Your spouse is amazingly human, and thus amazingly imperfect.  The good news is that so are you.  You are amazingly human and amazingly imperfect.  You will discover this principle over and over again in marriage.  There's more good news however, a successful marriage does not require two perfect people.

3.  50/50 is also a myth.  Yes, your spouse is your partner.  No, marriage doesn't always look like a 50/50 partnership. Truthfully, there are many times when marriage is a 70/30 or  20/80 or even 60/40.  And sometimes it is 50/50.  But true partnership means picking up the slack when the other person is unable to.  Love means helping each other out.  Love requires that sometimes you are carrying the heavier load.  The good news is that on the days when you can only carry 30% your spouse will step up and in and carry the 70%.  Partnership has nothing to do with making sure the numbers are equal, it has everything to do with making sure that the goal is attained together-- the goal being a healthy and successful marriage.  

4.  Remember that your spouse is your partner, not your enemy.  This should be what you repeat to yourself over and over again, especially when you are in disagreement.  Even when you disagree-- remember to treat them like your spouse, and not your enemy.  You are trying to resolve things, not destroy someone.

5.  Ours.  For us, we decided early on that we were not going to divide things in terms of  his and hers.  The marriage is ours.  It is our relationship.  These are our bills.  It is our budget.  We live in our house.  The term "two shall become one" became a sort of guidepost.  This thinking helped us determine our common goals-- instead of two separate goals, we have one goal that we reach together.  We share the success and we share the failure.  OURS.  Not his, not mine, but ours together.  What we each contribute to the goal may be different, but we both contribute in the ways we can.  And both contributions are important and add value.  This mindset has also forced us to come to agreement about important decisions.  Agreement helps us to achieve our goals and helps us connect to with each other-- it bonds us.

6.  Hold Hands.  This may sound simple, or silly.  But studies show that human touch is a key factor in a healthy satisfying life.  Scientists actually studied the benefits of holding hands and the studies show that simply holding hands lowers your blood pressure, relieves stress, fights feelings of fear, relieves pain, provides security, and boosts bonding.  Holding Hands is a simple way to connect without any expectations or pressure.  Besides, I still really love the simple act of walking beside Jeff, holding his hand.  When we hold hands, we tend to walk slower, talk more, make eye contact more often, and really listen to what the other is saying.  It slows us down.  It focuses us in a small way on each other and on our relationship.  I have even found that when we reach out and hold hands during a disagreement, our words become softer, our discussions more meaningful, and it's harder to fling out hurtful words when you are physically connected.

7.  Learn from other couples who have good marriages.  Look to family members and friends around you who have had long, sustained, successful marriages.  Don't be afraid to ask questions or to ask for advice.  Often, you think that you are the only couple who has faced this issue or problem, and when you talk to others, you discover that you are not alone.  It is also good to know that there are other couples who have faced similar issues and that they managed to overcome them.  Isolation only breeds fear and discontentment.  One note of caution here-- make sure that you find quality couples with which to open up to, not everyone is your friend.  I would suggest finding a good group of married couples in your church.

8. Be your spouses biggest cheerleader, both publicly and privately.  Encourage them, root for them, cheer them on!!!!!  Remember their success is your success!

9.  Do stuff together.  Try new things.  Be adventurous together.  Remember that half of the excitement from a new relationship comes from doing something for the first time together.  Keep that going in your marriage by looking for and seeking out new things to try together.

10.  Have your own hobby.  You do not have to do everything together.  In fact, that gets annoying after a while.  Have your own thing.  Then when you talk to each other, you have something different and new to share with each other.

11.  Talk about money.  It's a hard subject-- and budgeting problems have taken down many a marriage.  It is going to be hard.  It is going to be uncomfortable.  Do it anyway.  Do it honestly.  Make a budget together. It's good for you, it's good for your marriage.  You can do hard things.

12.  Eat dinner together as much as you can.  And put down those cell phones!!!!!  You are there to connect with each other, not social media.

13.  Be honest with each other.  Really honest.  Glossing over things, not being fully honest, opens up the doors for mis-trust and resentment.  If you are struggling with something, it is better to talk it out than to hide it.  Two heads are better than one.  

14.  Dream Together.  Dream of what you want your future to look like.  Dream BIG.  Talking about a future together and future goals keeps you from getting too focused on the minutia and monotony that often comes with everyday life.  Dreaming helps you to look up and look forward.  It also keeps you focused on a future together.

15.  Check in and make time for little connection.  Jeff and I have done a 1-10 rating scale thing for most of our marriage.  The question goes something like this:  On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best) how would you rate our marriage?  Why?  What can we do to make it better?  It's a quick and easy way to check in.  Sometimes you may feel like everything is a 10 only to discover that your spouse is rating it a 7-- and you had no idea.  Sometimes the connection doesn't need or involve such a deep questions.  It could simply be a short text letting your spouse know that you are thinking of them in the middle of the day.  Whatever works for you, just make sure that you "check-in" with each other on a regular basis.

16.  Verbally tell your spouse that you love them and tell them what you find attractive about them-- this isn't always a physical item-- it could be that you love their sense of humor, or their kindness to others.  It doesn't matter, except that they feel like they are still desired by you and attractive to you.  The law of attraction is still in play in marriage.  This practice also reminds you of why you are attracted to your spouse.  Win, win.

17.  Please know that love isn't just a feeling.  Love is deeper and richer and better than just a feeling.  Feelings are fickle.  Those first feelings of love when you are dating, are not the same feelings you have after years of marriage.  Those "first love" feelings are not sustainable.  But love, true, deep, abiding love is sustainable-- it just takes some work.  If you look back on those first "love" feelings-- you probably didn't have to work to feel that way-- you just did.  They just magically appeared.  Real love comes from working together to sustain a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with another person over time-- in spite of their imperfections and flaws.  Love is a building of deep trust and friendship.  Love is commitment.  Love requires grit.  None of these requirements are easy or quick to accomplish.  

18.  Remember to laugh together and celebrate together.  In fact, I think your celebrations should get bigger and bolder as you spend more time together.  Laugh LOUDLY and celebrate  BOLDLY.  Remember, even though marriage is work, it is supposed to be fun as well!!

19.  Sometimes a hug is better than advice.  You don't always need to solve the problem for your spouse.  You don't need to say I told you so.  

20.  Be your spouses Shield Bearer.  In the old days,  a shield bearer was a lightly armored soldier who protected another soldier (usually a higher ranking official) by carryng a protective shield that they placed between the enemy and this soldier they were protecting.  Be that for your spouse, go before them with a shield of protection.  Have their back.

21.  FORGIVE.   FORGIVE.  FORGIVE your spouse.  And remember that sometimes the shoe is on the other foot and you are the one who stands in need of forgiveness.

22.  RESPECT. Respect your spouse.  Treat them with respect.

23.  Compromise.  This ties right back in to #3.  All good relationships require compromise.  It's the name of the game.  Wining isn't always in the win, sometimes the biggest win comes from giving up something in the form of a compromise.  Remember #4-- partner. not enemy.

24.  Be Generous to your spouse.  Be generous with your praise.  Be generous with your time.  Be generous with your words.  Be generous towards your spouse-- generosity breeds generosity.

25. Committed.  Be unwavering in your commitment.  Hold your commitment to your spouse as punishable by death.  A blood oath.  An unbreakable contract or promise.  Be determined and unyielding in your vow.  A spouse that feels secure in your commitment is a happy spouse.

26.  Practice empathy.  It may be hard to be empathetic to your spouse when you have had a horrible day yourself.  Often, we try to one up each other in our tales of how horrid our day was.  Try and stop yourself, and practice being in each others shoes.  Empathy goes hand in hand with understanding and connection.

27.  Pray.  Life is tricky and hard and messy.  And you do not always have all the answers, or even know what the next step is.  Pray.  Pray together.  Pray for each other. This goes back to item number 1.

28.  Love your spouses family.  When you married them, it was a package deal.  Sometimes families mix well and all is good (Jeff and I are very lucky that way, our families get along great), but that is not always the case.  However, honoring your father and mother is still a command.  You honor your spouse when you can honor their family.  A small word of caution-- honoring doesn't mean that you allow or condone abuse, or bad behavior-- but it also means that you understand your spouses feelings about their family and you can honor those in a way that is meaningful to your spouse.

29.  Pick your battles.  Not every battle is a hill that you need to die upon.  Some battles aren't that important.  Battles take their tole on you and your marriage, so make sure you are not battling over every little thing.  Life isn't always black and white, there are shades of grey.  Sometimes you just need to suck it up and move on. If you battle over every little thing;  then the big things, the important things, the relationship ending things, can become so hidden in the midst of the all the battles that you don't even see the killing blow until it is already upon you.

30.  Do the work.  Yes, Jeff and I have made it through 30 years.  Yes, a lot of things are easier than they used to be.  But have no doubt, our marriage still takes work.  It still takes time, and attention, and thought.  But it is worthy work.  It is fulfilling work.  It is often joyful work, because Jeff has brought such joy to my life that I can't even put it all into words.  And I can't ask for a better work partner!

Whew!!!!  Hopefully this helps someone out there.  There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but there are good ones to be found.  We are still building our marriage, and will until the day we die.

To my life partner Jeff, I have loved you, laughed with you, laughed at you, lived with you, grieved with you, and fought battles side by side with you for 30 years.  It's been my greatest and most treasured adventure.  I can't with to see what the next 30 brings!  Love you infinity! Oh, and he knows me so well, no diamonds for our 30th, but a trip together instead.  Travel is my love language ;)

I'll leave you with a few photos of some of our life together-- nothing stunning-- just a brief glimpse into a 30 year relationship and some of our fun adventures!

Jeff hanging with the Meerkats in the Kalahari, South Africa

 Waikiki, Oahu (2009-- look how young Keagan is-- that's the year he learned to surf with Jeff)

Jeff fishing off of the North Shore, Oahu

Jeff and Keagan at Keagan's Basic Training graduation

Jeff playing the drums in the Animal Kingdom, Walt Disney World

Paddle boating in Breckenridge, CO

Jeff at the blowhole in Maui

Jeff and Keagan clowning around at Epcot, WDW

Jeff and I kayaking in Biscayne Bay, FL

Jeff and I in Oahu

 St.Mark's square in Venice, Italy

Jeff and Keagan and that time I signed us up for an "authentic" Roman meal while in Ephesus, Turkey.  Had no idea that they were going to throw us into togas and fake laurel wreath headbands. Don't they look thrilled?

 Eating Baklava until we were sick in Mykonos, Greece

Exploring the  Catalonian Mountains in Spain

On top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa (do you see the look of terror in Jeff's eyes?)

Snorkeling in  St. John, USVI

Dogsledding on top of the Denver Glacier in Alaska

Watching icebergs melt in Tracy Arm Fjord in Alaska

Filming the sunset in Sabi Sand, South Africa

That trip where I decided that seeing an Opera  would be fun in Venice, Italy.  Jet lag is a thing and Opera didn't help that.....

Wearing the conehead poncho's because it's very wet at Victoria Falls in Zambia

Sitting on top of the roof of the Duomo in Milan, Italy.  Again, Jeff is not so thrilled-- Jeff and heights have a hate/hate relationship.

Waiting in the long line to see the Notre Dame in Paris

Much walking in Munich, Germany

Visiting Kennebunkport, Maine with about 5 million other people...

One of my favorite photos of my main man in Botswana, Africa

More walking in Melk, Austria

Certaldo in Italy-- right before we climbed a gazillion stairs in the hilltop towns of Tuscany.. more walking

More walking in the Gardino di Boboli in Florence, Italy.

It's All About the View...

We recently visited Waianapanapa State Park in Maui.  And this is just one of the many glorious, mind-blowing viewpoints from this incredible park.  Literally, we got out of the car and from the moment we started walking along the trails all I could say was WOW!  The combination of black volcanic rocks, the bright green foliaged, the white sea foam, and brilliant blue ocean water was just so visually stunning that I was at a loss for words.  It is a place that calls for you to stop and just breathe it all in.

Places like this constantly amaze me.  I find myself in awe at the creativity God used when he made this amazing planet that we live on.  The views so are varied and diverse.

The view from the Danube River in Austria.

 

A view of Venice from a canal bridge.

A large Sociable Swallows Nest in a Camel Thorn Tree in the Kalahari Desert in South Africa.

The Sawyer Glacier in Tracy Arm Fjord in Alaska.

Each of the views in the above photos are (in my opinion) stunning.  But they are beautiful in vastly different ways. I have found in life that people are drawn to certain views.  Some people are what I call "mountain" people-- they have a deep love and appreciation for mountain views.  Other's are "Ocean" people-- they are drawn to and enjoy views of the ocean.  And some people are drawn to great architecture, some to deserts, and on and on.  

Now, if I am an "ocean view" person, does that mean that  what the "mountain view" person views as beautiful isn't beautiful?  I'm going to ask you to hold that thought for a minute and follow me to a seemingly different conversation.

Ephesians 2:14-18, the Message

"The Messiah has made things up between us so that we're now together on this, both non-Jewish outsiders and Jewish insiders.  He tore down the wall we used to keep each other at a distance.  He repealed the law code that had become so clogged with fine print and footnotes that it hindered more than it helped.  Then he started over.  Instead of continuing with two groups of people separated by centuries of animosity and suspicion, he created a new kind of human being, a fresh start for everybody.  Christ brought us together  through his death on the cross.  The cross got us to embrace, and that was the end of the hostility.  Christ came and preached peace to you outsiders and peace to us insiders.  He treated us as equals, and so made us equals.  Through him we both share the same spirit and have equal access to the Father."

This was the scripture that our pastor started out with on Sunday.  I had been giving this blog some serious thought for a month or so now, and here comes this amazing piece of scripture... that I had probably read several times before, and yet it hadn't hit me or grasped me yet.  I love that when it happens!

But, back to the story...While our pastor was talking specifically about racial issues, this scripture hit me on a broader level.  Everywhere I turn I am inundated with disagreement.  Don't get me wrong, it's not that disagreement is wrong.  It's just that the level of disagreement seems to have taken a decidedly hostile turn.  And when I read this scripture, the word hostile stuck out.

The word hostile is defined as:  unfriendly, antagonistic, opposed.  It is also defined as unkind, bitter, unsympathetic, malicious, vicious, rancorous, venomous, poisonous, and virulent.  Wow!  Does this definition strike a cord with anyone else out there?  It sure does with me.  I watch the interactions between people who disagree play out on T.V., on social media, even in traffic, and it feels very much like hostility.

And let's be clear, this isn't a blog about how we should all come together and agree on everything-- because I don't believe that's realistic.  Instead, I want to address why we feel so comfortable with reacting in a hostile way towards each other.  

I think the problem is in our view--we have somehow lost focus and we have forgotten to look at this amazing view right in front of us.  It's like standing upon a cliff, overlooking a green valley, with the most amazing sunset of all existence right there in front of us-  and instead of looking up and seeing the beauty, we are instead looking down at the dirt beneath our feet and thinking about how dirty our shoes are going to be when we leave.  We are missing it!

What's the view we are missing?  We are missing that every person we meet, every single one, is made and deeply loved by God.  And not only that, but that God's whole purpose of the cross was not to bring more division and disagreement into this world, but instead to unite us.  For although we may still have vastly different viewpoints, we can all be reconciled through our love for God and through God's vast love for us.

Once we change our viewpoint to where the first thing we see when we look at each other is that this person in front of me is God's beloved, we can then take steps towards appreciating other viewpoints. Some of the most incredible interactions with other people have taken place when I have taken the time to sit down with those who are different than me and listened to their stories.  When I become more focused on them as a human, rather than focusing on wether or not we agree or view things in the same way, the peace that is talked about in the above scripture comes into play. I learn the most amazing things about people when this happens.

I'll share just a few stories:

Recently I met an incredible woman from Germany.  This woman is a Geothermal Scientist.  She came to Hawaii for a conference ( I can only imagine the way-over my head discussions that took place at this event).  She (along with her husband) had decided that since they were traveling so far, they might as well vacation  there following the conference.  Oh, did I mention that I met her while putting on wetsuits (which is a vastly humbling experience, especially when doing it in a group of 20 or so strangers) to prep for our night time Manta Ray snorkel.  She had come by herself because her husband was not into the water thing.  And this was only her second time snorkeling in all her life.  She confessed to being extremely nervous, but also excited to try something different and new.  Let me interject that Manta Rays can get up to 14 feet across and weigh well over 1,000-2,000 pounds.  And this was happening at night.  In the ocean.  I have no idea what her beliefs were.  No idea where she fell politically. No idea what she thought about the U.S. as a country.  I had no idea where she fell socioeconomically.  She is certainly by far much smarter than I will every be-- Geothermal Scientist, remember? But what we had in common?  Besides being human, we were  in it to see some amazing Manta Rays.  And see them we did!  And in this random hour and a half I spent with her I  learned from her. You know what I learned from this lady?  How to be brave.  How to take risk.  How to embrace where you are wholeheartedly.  Here she was, in a foreign country, speaking a language that was not her native one, trying something new-- that was a little frightening to her, and doing it on her own, with a group of total strangers.

While in Croatia, we had the privilege to visit and eat at a local family farm just outside the town of Dubrovnik.  This family had an amazing and heartbreaking story.  In the early 1990's they went through the Croatian War of Independence.  During this time, their family farm was burned to the ground, including all of their Olive Trees, which was their source of income.  Forced to leave their home, along with many others, they crowded into local hotel rooms trying to avoid the fighting and keep their families safe.  They lived for several years, inside these cramped hotels, until the fighting was finally over and they were allowed to return home.  Upon their return, they found that everything had been looted and burned.  They had to start over.  And so they did.  They rebuilt the farmhouse and other structures.  They replanted their fields, but because of the soil conditions, and how long it takes Olive Trees to bear fruit ( from 5 - 12 years), they had to change what they grew. As you can imagine, they needed to figure out a way to generate income.  Interestingly enough, Croatia had now become a sort of tourist destination now that the war had ended.  And so this enterprising family came up with a plan.  Not only were they going to grow and sell what they could produce on the family farm, but they were going to open up their facility and host tourists for dinners.  While we ate this amazing fresh farm to table food, several family members played and sang music.  And they were incredibly gifted.  I learned resilience, perseverance, and the value of joy through hard circumstances from this wonderful Croatian family.

Those are just a few of the many stories I could share.  People are amazing!  Their stories are amazing!  

 My prayer and challenge for myself and for you is that we don't miss it!  That we don't get so caught up in hostility, so focused on our differences, focused on being right, focused on justifying our position, so focused on being righteous, that we miss the view. And all you have to do is to remain focused on the right view, focus on viewing people the way God views them.

I may still be drawn more to "ocean views" but that doesn't take away from the beauty of the "mountain views" that you love.  And we can all agree that God has given us an incredible world with some amazingly breathtaking views!

I'll leave you today with a few more photo's of some more gorgeous (in my opinion) views.  Have a great day!

The rainforest surrounding the Mendenhall Glacier near Juneau, Alaska

Maui, Hawaii

The Residenz in Munich, Germany

The Medieval Town of Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic

The Jefferson memorial in D.C.

Cape Neddick Light House in York, Maine

 Tuscany, Italy

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Mykonos, Greece

Ephesus, Turkey

Montserrat, Spain

Unforced Rhythms of Grace

"Are you tired?  Worn Out? Burned out on religion?  Come to me.  Get away with me and you'll recover your life.  I'll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it.  Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."  Matthew 11:28-30, the Message

This was the verse one of our pastors read this morning.  And it reminded me that I love this passage. I especially love the verse "Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."  It has always struck me as  an amazing mental image, a beautifully poetic description of what life with God should be like.

And yet, I feel like that is not what people think of when they think of having a relationship with God.  Some people think of an angry God, who is waiting to jump all over you with punishment when you step out of line.  Some people think of a genie in the bottle God, that if they do everything just right, He will grant their every desire and wish.  Some think of a God who is and always will be disappointed in them, and they try to somehow earn his love and favor by what they do.

And while God is multifaceted, just like we as humans are, I think that this piece of scripture paints a clear picture of who God is, and of the relationship he desires to have with you.  Listen, I get it.  I've grown up in church and even I have found myself bemused and befuddled trying to figure this  relationship thing with God out.  Is he an angry God?  Is he a rules oriented God?  Is he an uncaring God?  Is he someone who grants wishes?  Which rules should I follow?  Am I supposed to blindly agree with every "spiritual leader" I encounter because they say they have heard from God?  Some of the Christian stuff seems very complicated.  Even to me, a Christian.

And then we throw out special lingo that even I do not always understand... Talk about valleys and high places, the phrase "I don't feel led", and hedge of protection to name a few-- and lets get this straight, I've even said some of these things myself.  But really, what does this mean?

I think the real question is what does God want from me?  And I know that there can be some really complicated, theoretical answers to this question, but for me, those complicated answers are not helpful.  I, myself, need a straightforward answer that I can understand.  And I do not think I am alone in this.

So for those of you who are smarter than I am, who are more learned, who have studied the scripture more in depth, please pardon my simple answer to this question.  Because the truth is, I am probably not answering this question for you-- you have probably already answered this question for yourself in far more eloquent terms.

But, when I really needed the answer to this question in my life, I didn't need or want or have time for an in depth answer.  I needed the down and dirty, simple, easily understood, cliff notes version.  And my simple answer to the question of what does God want from me is this:  relationship.  God wants a relationship with me.


Having said that, anyone who has any kind of relationship with anyone understands that relationships do take some work.  They do not just magically happen.  But still, once I really got this piece of the puzzle in my brain, it helped me to sort everything else out.

I'm not sure why this has struck me so hard today.  Maybe it's because Easter is coming, and I want people to know that for me, Easter is a time of just being in awe of all that God was willing to do in order to have a relationship with me.  It's humbling.  It is the greatest love story ever written.  And it is story about me and a story about you.  Because God desires a relationship with not only me, but with you.

I do not know who this blog is for today.  And may just be a blog for me, to remind me that what God desires from me is relationship.  That's ok.  It's a good reminder.

So, to circle back to the phrase "unforced rhythms of grace."  That phrase, probably because I am a visual person, conjures up certain images in my mind.  Like tall grass moving in waves with the wind.  Waves in the ocean breaking on shore.  Standing in a darkened cathedral, smelling the candle wax, and listening to the quiet within.  Hearing a bird sing a morning song.  Watching a sunrise or sunset.  Seeing a gazelle run.  All of those things have an intrinsic sense of rhythm to them.  So I'll leave you with a few photos that come to mind when I read this passage.  One more thought before I get to the photos, if you would like to see what a relationship with God is about, I encourage you to find a church and speak to a pastor/leader.  Don't be afraid to ask questions, that's how you learn about another person in a relationship-- same with God.  Have a great week!  May you find rhythms of grace this week.