So, a few days ago someone on Facebook made a comment on an old photo and comment of Jeff's. This photo happened to be the post he put up last year on our anniversary. Well, you know how Facebook is, once someone comments, the photo and post come back into circulation, and we were getting all sorts of amazing well wishes for a Happy Anniversary. I was very grateful for all the kind thoughts, but I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasn't quite our anniversary yet, just so people wouldn't think something weird was going on.
However, Our 30th Anniversary is coming up at the end of the month, and this whole Facebook thing had me reflecting on our 30 years of marriage (how on earth has it been 30 years already?), so I thought I'd write about a few things I have learned about marriage. Not a perfect marriage, but a good one all the same. It turns out that I looked up what you are supposed to give each other at 30 years and the "new" rules state that it is diamonds....thus the reason for the title.
So here it goes... 30 Things I have learned about Marriage in 30 Years.... and for full disclosure...we still are practicing getting all these things right and doing them well.
1. God is an important foundation in your marriage. A belief in God provides a solid oneness in beliefs and values. These values and beliefs help you navigate decision making together. Having God at the core of your marriage also provides you with a solid place to run when things get hard--- and believe me-- things sometimes get hard. Having at least one core thing (God) that you both believe in is marriage saving. It may sometimes be the only thing on which you can both agree.
2. Let go of Perfection. Do not believe the lie that your spouse will always be perfect. That's a Hollywood myth, and will only foster discontent. Your spouse is amazingly human, and thus amazingly imperfect. The good news is that so are you. You are amazingly human and amazingly imperfect. You will discover this principle over and over again in marriage. There's more good news however, a successful marriage does not require two perfect people.
3. 50/50 is also a myth. Yes, your spouse is your partner. No, marriage doesn't always look like a 50/50 partnership. Truthfully, there are many times when marriage is a 70/30 or 20/80 or even 60/40. And sometimes it is 50/50. But true partnership means picking up the slack when the other person is unable to. Love means helping each other out. Love requires that sometimes you are carrying the heavier load. The good news is that on the days when you can only carry 30% your spouse will step up and in and carry the 70%. Partnership has nothing to do with making sure the numbers are equal, it has everything to do with making sure that the goal is attained together-- the goal being a healthy and successful marriage.
4. Remember that your spouse is your partner, not your enemy. This should be what you repeat to yourself over and over again, especially when you are in disagreement. Even when you disagree-- remember to treat them like your spouse, and not your enemy. You are trying to resolve things, not destroy someone.
5. Ours. For us, we decided early on that we were not going to divide things in terms of his and hers. The marriage is ours. It is our relationship. These are our bills. It is our budget. We live in our house. The term "two shall become one" became a sort of guidepost. This thinking helped us determine our common goals-- instead of two separate goals, we have one goal that we reach together. We share the success and we share the failure. OURS. Not his, not mine, but ours together. What we each contribute to the goal may be different, but we both contribute in the ways we can. And both contributions are important and add value. This mindset has also forced us to come to agreement about important decisions. Agreement helps us to achieve our goals and helps us connect to with each other-- it bonds us.
6. Hold Hands. This may sound simple, or silly. But studies show that human touch is a key factor in a healthy satisfying life. Scientists actually studied the benefits of holding hands and the studies show that simply holding hands lowers your blood pressure, relieves stress, fights feelings of fear, relieves pain, provides security, and boosts bonding. Holding Hands is a simple way to connect without any expectations or pressure. Besides, I still really love the simple act of walking beside Jeff, holding his hand. When we hold hands, we tend to walk slower, talk more, make eye contact more often, and really listen to what the other is saying. It slows us down. It focuses us in a small way on each other and on our relationship. I have even found that when we reach out and hold hands during a disagreement, our words become softer, our discussions more meaningful, and it's harder to fling out hurtful words when you are physically connected.
7. Learn from other couples who have good marriages. Look to family members and friends around you who have had long, sustained, successful marriages. Don't be afraid to ask questions or to ask for advice. Often, you think that you are the only couple who has faced this issue or problem, and when you talk to others, you discover that you are not alone. It is also good to know that there are other couples who have faced similar issues and that they managed to overcome them. Isolation only breeds fear and discontentment. One note of caution here-- make sure that you find quality couples with which to open up to, not everyone is your friend. I would suggest finding a good group of married couples in your church.
8. Be your spouses biggest cheerleader, both publicly and privately. Encourage them, root for them, cheer them on!!!!! Remember their success is your success!
9. Do stuff together. Try new things. Be adventurous together. Remember that half of the excitement from a new relationship comes from doing something for the first time together. Keep that going in your marriage by looking for and seeking out new things to try together.
10. Have your own hobby. You do not have to do everything together. In fact, that gets annoying after a while. Have your own thing. Then when you talk to each other, you have something different and new to share with each other.
11. Talk about money. It's a hard subject-- and budgeting problems have taken down many a marriage. It is going to be hard. It is going to be uncomfortable. Do it anyway. Do it honestly. Make a budget together. It's good for you, it's good for your marriage. You can do hard things.
12. Eat dinner together as much as you can. And put down those cell phones!!!!! You are there to connect with each other, not social media.
13. Be honest with each other. Really honest. Glossing over things, not being fully honest, opens up the doors for mis-trust and resentment. If you are struggling with something, it is better to talk it out than to hide it. Two heads are better than one.
14. Dream Together. Dream of what you want your future to look like. Dream BIG. Talking about a future together and future goals keeps you from getting too focused on the minutia and monotony that often comes with everyday life. Dreaming helps you to look up and look forward. It also keeps you focused on a future together.
15. Check in and make time for little connection. Jeff and I have done a 1-10 rating scale thing for most of our marriage. The question goes something like this: On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best) how would you rate our marriage? Why? What can we do to make it better? It's a quick and easy way to check in. Sometimes you may feel like everything is a 10 only to discover that your spouse is rating it a 7-- and you had no idea. Sometimes the connection doesn't need or involve such a deep questions. It could simply be a short text letting your spouse know that you are thinking of them in the middle of the day. Whatever works for you, just make sure that you "check-in" with each other on a regular basis.
16. Verbally tell your spouse that you love them and tell them what you find attractive about them-- this isn't always a physical item-- it could be that you love their sense of humor, or their kindness to others. It doesn't matter, except that they feel like they are still desired by you and attractive to you. The law of attraction is still in play in marriage. This practice also reminds you of why you are attracted to your spouse. Win, win.
17. Please know that love isn't just a feeling. Love is deeper and richer and better than just a feeling. Feelings are fickle. Those first feelings of love when you are dating, are not the same feelings you have after years of marriage. Those "first love" feelings are not sustainable. But love, true, deep, abiding love is sustainable-- it just takes some work. If you look back on those first "love" feelings-- you probably didn't have to work to feel that way-- you just did. They just magically appeared. Real love comes from working together to sustain a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with another person over time-- in spite of their imperfections and flaws. Love is a building of deep trust and friendship. Love is commitment. Love requires grit. None of these requirements are easy or quick to accomplish.
18. Remember to laugh together and celebrate together. In fact, I think your celebrations should get bigger and bolder as you spend more time together. Laugh LOUDLY and celebrate BOLDLY. Remember, even though marriage is work, it is supposed to be fun as well!!
19. Sometimes a hug is better than advice. You don't always need to solve the problem for your spouse. You don't need to say I told you so.
20. Be your spouses Shield Bearer. In the old days, a shield bearer was a lightly armored soldier who protected another soldier (usually a higher ranking official) by carryng a protective shield that they placed between the enemy and this soldier they were protecting. Be that for your spouse, go before them with a shield of protection. Have their back.
21. FORGIVE. FORGIVE. FORGIVE your spouse. And remember that sometimes the shoe is on the other foot and you are the one who stands in need of forgiveness.
22. RESPECT. Respect your spouse. Treat them with respect.
23. Compromise. This ties right back in to #3. All good relationships require compromise. It's the name of the game. Wining isn't always in the win, sometimes the biggest win comes from giving up something in the form of a compromise. Remember #4-- partner. not enemy.
24. Be Generous to your spouse. Be generous with your praise. Be generous with your time. Be generous with your words. Be generous towards your spouse-- generosity breeds generosity.
25. Committed. Be unwavering in your commitment. Hold your commitment to your spouse as punishable by death. A blood oath. An unbreakable contract or promise. Be determined and unyielding in your vow. A spouse that feels secure in your commitment is a happy spouse.
26. Practice empathy. It may be hard to be empathetic to your spouse when you have had a horrible day yourself. Often, we try to one up each other in our tales of how horrid our day was. Try and stop yourself, and practice being in each others shoes. Empathy goes hand in hand with understanding and connection.
27. Pray. Life is tricky and hard and messy. And you do not always have all the answers, or even know what the next step is. Pray. Pray together. Pray for each other. This goes back to item number 1.
28. Love your spouses family. When you married them, it was a package deal. Sometimes families mix well and all is good (Jeff and I are very lucky that way, our families get along great), but that is not always the case. However, honoring your father and mother is still a command. You honor your spouse when you can honor their family. A small word of caution-- honoring doesn't mean that you allow or condone abuse, or bad behavior-- but it also means that you understand your spouses feelings about their family and you can honor those in a way that is meaningful to your spouse.
29. Pick your battles. Not every battle is a hill that you need to die upon. Some battles aren't that important. Battles take their tole on you and your marriage, so make sure you are not battling over every little thing. Life isn't always black and white, there are shades of grey. Sometimes you just need to suck it up and move on. If you battle over every little thing; then the big things, the important things, the relationship ending things, can become so hidden in the midst of the all the battles that you don't even see the killing blow until it is already upon you.
30. Do the work. Yes, Jeff and I have made it through 30 years. Yes, a lot of things are easier than they used to be. But have no doubt, our marriage still takes work. It still takes time, and attention, and thought. But it is worthy work. It is fulfilling work. It is often joyful work, because Jeff has brought such joy to my life that I can't even put it all into words. And I can't ask for a better work partner!
Whew!!!! Hopefully this helps someone out there. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but there are good ones to be found. We are still building our marriage, and will until the day we die.
To my life partner Jeff, I have loved you, laughed with you, laughed at you, lived with you, grieved with you, and fought battles side by side with you for 30 years. It's been my greatest and most treasured adventure. I can't with to see what the next 30 brings! Love you infinity! Oh, and he knows me so well, no diamonds for our 30th, but a trip together instead. Travel is my love language ;)
I'll leave you with a few photos of some of our life together-- nothing stunning-- just a brief glimpse into a 30 year relationship and some of our fun adventures!
Jeff hanging with the Meerkats in the Kalahari, South Africa
Waikiki, Oahu (2009-- look how young Keagan is-- that's the year he learned to surf with Jeff)
Jeff fishing off of the North Shore, Oahu
Jeff and Keagan at Keagan's Basic Training graduation
Jeff playing the drums in the Animal Kingdom, Walt Disney World
Paddle boating in Breckenridge, CO
Jeff at the blowhole in Maui
Jeff and Keagan clowning around at Epcot, WDW
Jeff and I kayaking in Biscayne Bay, FL
Jeff and I in Oahu
St.Mark's square in Venice, Italy
Jeff and Keagan and that time I signed us up for an "authentic" Roman meal while in Ephesus, Turkey. Had no idea that they were going to throw us into togas and fake laurel wreath headbands. Don't they look thrilled?
Eating Baklava until we were sick in Mykonos, Greece
Exploring the Catalonian Mountains in Spain
On top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa (do you see the look of terror in Jeff's eyes?)
Snorkeling in St. John, USVI
Dogsledding on top of the Denver Glacier in Alaska
Watching icebergs melt in Tracy Arm Fjord in Alaska
Filming the sunset in Sabi Sand, South Africa
That trip where I decided that seeing an Opera would be fun in Venice, Italy. Jet lag is a thing and Opera didn't help that.....
Wearing the conehead poncho's because it's very wet at Victoria Falls in Zambia
Sitting on top of the roof of the Duomo in Milan, Italy. Again, Jeff is not so thrilled-- Jeff and heights have a hate/hate relationship.
Waiting in the long line to see the Notre Dame in Paris
Much walking in Munich, Germany
Visiting Kennebunkport, Maine with about 5 million other people...
One of my favorite photos of my main man in Botswana, Africa
More walking in Melk, Austria
Certaldo in Italy-- right before we climbed a gazillion stairs in the hilltop towns of Tuscany.. more walking
More walking in the Gardino di Boboli in Florence, Italy.
